There is a place between asleep and awake. A place where you’re still dreaming, but acutely aware of things going on around you. The day to day noises of home trickle into your psyche, your senses are stirring. You can smell the world around you, and feel the breeze from the window. But you’re not there, not part of that waking world, not part of blissful slumber.
That place. That halfway house between asleep and awake. That’s where the demons live.
Some would say they’re bad dreams. But dreams fritter away into the ethos within a few minutes of waking. But not when you’re halfway awake. When your brain is preparing for the day. These nightmares are just real enough to seem true. Backed up by the solidity of the real world slowly coming into focus around you, they imprint like memories. When you do finally wake you find yourself wondering ‘did that just happen?’
Recently sleep has been very illusive to me. The halfway point is about as far as I get. I doze, in what should be blissful abandon. But alas, I’m plagued by demons. Demons of my worst fears. This morning, I was crushed by the illusion of my father dying. During my afternoon nap, I went through the traumatic birth of my baby. Alone and scared. Both times I woke in a blind panic and floods of tears. Both times the images plagued me for hours after. My mood today has been morose to say the least.
So now it’s late at night. The darkness has drawn in and everyone is calmly sleeping. Except me. I’m here writing to you. Can you do me a favour? If you see the sand man please ask him to hook me up with some nice dreams? Because right now my body doesn’t want to switch off. I can’t help it. Nobody wants to sleep when they know the demons are coming.
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Sometimes I actively hate my body. Today is one of those times.
Yet again it has let me down. It has not lived up to its end of the bargain. It has promised me something and delivered only disappointment and pain.
It probably seems odd to you that I speak of my body in this way. Like an entity I do battle with. But that’s how it is for me. My body is my enemy. My monster in the night. My prison cell. My torture device.
I must be kind to my body. I must treat it with respect and not push beyond my limitations. I must rest when I need to and eat well, take my medications and generally do what I can to appease the beast. But what’s the point?
What’s the point when I do everything right, but still my body betrays me????
I do everything right yet I still end up with tears down my face.
The point is that I have to try. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be joking about it all again.
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Once upon a time I could sleep.
Well, I assume I could. Surely I wouldn’t have got this far in life without it? Plus, my mother used to assure me I slept with my feet in a grow bag, hence being a fairly tall girl (taller than my husband). So in order to grow so proficiently I must have slept, right? I bet I slept at night too. When I was supposed to.
Often I dream of sleeping. Of drifting off into a blissful slumber and waking up refreshed and invigorated (HA!). But even they are daydreams, not those cool dreams you normal folk have.
You see, I don’t sleep anymore. I haven’t slept properly in years. Even if by some small miracle I do drift off, it’s short lived and not particularly restful. If I’m super lucky it’ll be combined with night sweats and bad dreams. The kind of dreams that leave you with a terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach.
More often I just lie here, restless and uncomfortable, wishing sleep would come. I listen to the sounds of the house. My cats milling about, my husband snoring (count to ten, you’d miss him if you smothered him), that random noise that you never quite know what it is. I drink my water like a good girl and make endless trips to the loo like an old lady with bladder issues. I write on Facebook and play games on my phone. I go slowly and quietly mad.
This is my life. If I had any less sleep I could probably start hanging out with the gang from Twilight.
What’s the point of this post?? There isn’t one. I’m rambling. I’m making no sense I imagine. But you know what they say, misery loves company. If you’re awake in the night and reading this, at least you know you’re not alone!
To the rest of you… sweet dreams. Don’t take your sleep for granted and remember, a tiny part of me kinda hates you for your sleep pattern right now!!
By Jennie at This Little Life of Mine
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