Purple flower and pearl embellished ladies junk hat

I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Always a step apart from other people “normal” people. Always the weird one. At 18 I became a parent for the first time to a beautiful little girl. Just weeks later I was in the pit of despair. My rollercoaster ride with my mental health and all the heart ache that would result had begun. Years later I found out I was pregnant with my partner and his first child. Amazingly, I had gotten through nearly the entire first trimester without realising. So it was a big surprise seeing a little person instead of just the beginning of one. 3 months later our little girl was stillborn. The grief was over whelming. My partner helped me through and we tried again. A year and 10 days and 1 hour to the day, our second daughter was born. Then postnatal depression hit again. Yet again it ravaged my mind and again went undiagnosed. I battled insane highs and deep lows. Days when I could do no more than be a silent lump on the sofa. Lots of coxing and patience from my partner got me through and working on bonding with my beautiful girl. A son followed and all was good. Until my mental health slowly declined.  I found out that the reason I felt weird, an outsider was because not only had I struggled with undiagnosed antenatal and postnatal depression, grief and loss, but I also have Borderline Personality Disorder which had gone undiagnosed all my life.

Years later I had a son and  my partner became main carer for him as well as carer for me. He helps me run my business Jackrabbitlondon designing and making his own popular line of headbands. We are now expecting another son. So all together I would have six children. Our son Raven was born healthy and a tiny 5Lb 5oz on Friday 13th January.

I have always crafted from the age of 10 when I learned cross stitch and embroidery at school. I then borrowed books from my library to learn more, then in my twenties added bead embroidery. During this time I kept up with my drawing of fantastic costumes, creatures, fairys and writing poems and short stories. I have now added rhinestone work on garments, shoes and my popular caps. As well as special occasion tutus for formal christenings, flower girls, parties for both kids, teens and adults. Crafting soothes me most of the time and all of the crafts I am attracted to are usually very tactile, sparkly and labour intensive. My new adventure is in relearning tapestry weaving to make wall hangings and scarves using a simple frame loom. As well as needleweaving which will incorporate beads with thinner crochet weight yarns to create jewellery and accessories.

I have found that having a chronic mental illness is still not understood. That people still have stereotypical ideas of what a person with mental illness looks and acts like. This is not just with the ordinary man or woman in the street. But also with health and social work/social care/law professionals. Many of whom state that they have worked with people with mental health issues and illness for years. Yet still seem shocked that I have a loving partner and children.

They are shocked that I am articulate and usually not on medication all of the time. Shocked that I have a artistic talent and that I want to use them for the betterment of my family and to make people smile. I get such pleasure seeing people especially the kids enjoying their purchases.

With my story I hope that others will see that all is not lost.

Accepting that you need a carer can be hard but it’s easier I think when it’s someone who knows and understands you and your disability. I hope to shed some light on Borderline Personality Disorder as not many people and health professionals have even heard of it (it is often misdiagnosed as bi polar disorder). Here’s an amazing fact… the treatment for BPD dialectical behavioural therapy was developed by a highly educated lady who has BPD herself. And it is the only all encompassing therapy that has been proven to really help. While therapy such as Schema is also used and is helpful, it is not as holistic in its approach as DPT. Which is more expensive and harder to access and which I still cannot access.

So dear reader, crafter, patron thank-you for reading my story and getting to know a tiny bit about myself and my family. I hope to see you really soon in my shop or in the Conscious Crafties community.